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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
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If there's nothing in the world that is good and wholesome and unperverted, at least there's pancake batter. That's right. Pancake batter. Not only can it be used to make pancakes, this versitile goop can also be used as industrial lubricant, flat tire filler and most importantly: spermicide. That's right! Just apply to the afflicted area(s) and you're scott free! (Scott should be free anyway). So remember to pick up some pancake batter next time you're shopping. Your grocer will thank you.
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Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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Okay. The joke's over! Who keeps stealing my garbage?
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Never fill your underpants with light bulbs before riding a roller coaster. What are you? Stupid!?
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There's marmalade in my socks. I blame German sabatours.
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Saturday, April 8th, 2006
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I say we should pass a law about all these problems. There. That covers it. Now on to sports...
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Thursday, April 6th, 2006
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You know, if George Washington were alive today, he'd have a great many things to say about what America has become. Too bad people would flock around him to study him as a freak of nature. I mean, the guy would be 250 years old! And those wooden teeth! What's up with that!? I bet he feels lucky he's dead.
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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
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More poetry... enjoy...
There once was a lady in a nice little house.
She had an inflateable pig.
It died when the cactus shipment came in.
So she bought herself a new wig (yay!).
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Wrap your head in tin foil.
Now I know what you're thinking...
"Dear God! WHY!?"
Shut up and I'll tell you.
It keeps the flies out.
There. Are you happy?
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Somebody painted my clams. I can't allow this tyranny to go on any further. Hand me that melon baller. I will wreck swarthy justice upon those who have wronged me...
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Saturday, April 1st, 2006
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I saw an angel the other day. At least, I think it was an angel. Isn't an angel the thing with the wheels and the big open top full of charcoal you cook your burgers and steaks on? It seems to me that most people have angels on their patios and they don't even know it. Yeah.
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Thursday, March 30th, 2006
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Okay. I haven't been posting with quite the expected level of regularly lately due to my tennis match with Tony the Tiger but since I have trounced the bastard in the third set, I can get back to sharing my vitally important thoughts and/or ideas to you good people. Of course it turns out I have no thoughts and/or ideas so I'll mostly be blathering like this:
"Mustard custard busted caps toothpaste freebase vintage map may july june poon tang drink hot dog got log skating rink."
It also turns out I may be wanted in several states for that time I broke into a local news broadcast and told everyone there was a tornado that was going to destroy all of mankind. Live and learn.
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I think a good accessory for any formal occasion is a noose dangling from the neck. It's just so avant garde and catchy and fashionable and hep. That and maybe a giant, inflatable cow.
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Saturday, March 25th, 2006
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I want big buttery slabs of Crisco right now! Give me Crisco! I WANT CRISCO! CRISCO CRISCO CRISCO! Must have imitation-imitation vegetables substitutes!
Why do I need Crisco right now? Well, I'm doing this experiment and I need fifty gallons of Crisco, a live trout and a Nissan Sentra that can comfortably seat four.
Please send all of that Crisco to:
G. W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
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Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
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I find a good way to relax is to insult a total stranger and then bask in the afterglow of superiority.
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Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
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Other languages scare me. What's wrong with those people? Why can't they just speak English like normal folks. I bet it's some sort of brain deficiency. I mean, I went to all of the other countries in Epcot Center and everywhere I went they spoke English and the people who lived there were Americans just like me. I think it's some kind of cranial disorder. Foreigners should be operated on and if necessary, killed. It's the only way to cure this problem.
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I must be allergic to cat hair. For one thing, every time I see a cat I am overcome with this urge to yodel obscenities at the top of my lungs. This has caused me to be forcibly expelled from many a pet shop. Second, my best friend had a cat and I was always compelled to douse it with Coca-Cola products and spank myself. Yes. I think I am allergic to cats. Either that or I am insane. I'm putting my money on allergies (this is a great thing to mention to random passerbys at the airport:
"Hey! He's putting his money on allergies!").
Thank you.
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Sofa tables are fun. I like to stick them out at the playground and watch as children run up to them and climb on them and fall and get hurt. I also like to store sofa tables in those deep freezers people have in their garages.
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Saturday, March 18th, 2006
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You know what I've found to be a wonderful snack that's low in fat and calories but also low in nutrional value. Pencil erasers! I just nibble them right off and suck on them for a minute and then chew 'em up and look for more! I can't get enough! So remember, next time you're at the grocery store, put down those Cool Ranch Doritos and pick up some pencils. Your body will thank you...
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Thursday, March 16th, 2006
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I may not be a professional ice sculpter yet but at least I own a chainsaw. And that must mean something... something... SOMETHING...
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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
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I think peanut butter may be the best element in all of the elements on the Periodic Table. For one thing, it's all squishy and stuff yet it stays perfectly crunchy in milk (that's a major plus when you make those Peanut Butter Milk Shakes using Extra Crunchy). It also leaves odd grease stains on my Time Magazine with Newt Gingrich on the cover. It's also fun to smear it all over the mirrors at the Amtrak Station. I say Peanut Butter should be America's national Element! Hooray for Peanut Butter! Huzzah!
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uglyfatkid's journal